We Have a Good Father

June 19, 2022

Matthew 7:11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Father’s Day. For many, it’s a reason to celebrate and honor the wonderful dads in their life. But, for many more, it’s a day of sorrow, grief, and regret. Not everyone grew up with a great father figure in their life. I was fortunate to grow up with a wonderful dad who was a very present figure in my life, but my own children lost their father at ages 11 and 13. I have done my best to fill the gap, but I know that there will always be a hole where their father once was. 

Since Tad died 4-and-a-half years ago, I have made it a point to not be in town on Father’s Day. My son’s birthday is around this time; so, we usually take a short road trip to the city where we spend two or three days having a blast and not thinking about who and what we are missing. We drive go-karts, climb rock walls, hit balls at Top Golf, and sometimes take in a baseball game or watch a movie. We also see my dad and brother and try to make the day about the two of them. 

This year, however, my son turned 18 and his priorities have shifted. His world doesn’t revolve around his mom and sister anymore. While that hurts, it is a natural part of life. It’s what we want for our kids. We want them to be independent and not need us for everything. But it does hurt. 

Therefore, this year we couldn’t get away. This means I am stuck at home having to face the grief and not able to easily distract myself. I’ve been doing all the “self-care” activities experts suggest. This morning I colored my hair, dried it, and curled it. I took time to apply my makeup and even gave myself a pedicure and manicure while watching a Captain America movie. I mean, who could be sad while staring at Chris Evans on a big screen TV. 

Then the rain started. If you’ve never experienced a desert monsoon storm–let me tell you–it is not relaxing. It comes in quickly and furiously and is usually accompanied by a lot of high wind. I still get anxious about storms because of the flood we had in our house. I immediately started praying for my house and my children who were out driving in town. My breathing settled and I was able to sit back down at the computer to finish typing this. 

Praying really is the only way for me to keep the anxiety away. My heavenly Father is the one I turn to when I am sad, anxious, confused, or grief starts to take over. Grief is such a weird thing. Most days I can walk around as if nothing were wrong. Most people who have met me in the last four years would never suspect the life events I have encountered. My daughter just got back from a week-long camp and she told me it makes her laugh when she has to tell new people about herself and they are always surprised to learn how she lost her dad at such a young age. We both “wear” our grief well. 

I think I’ve maybe done too well at hiding my grief. I hide it even from myself sometimes. But days like today–Father’s Day, his birthday, our anniversary, the anniversary of his death–hit me hard sometimes. It’s on these days that I allow myself to be sad.

It’s okay to be sad and we are allowed to feel our emotions. If we try to ignore or bury our feelings, I think we risk a bigger issue down the road. Feeling our emotions is not weakness. Feeling our emotions allows us to not be overwhelmed by them. We have to process things and talk them out. (On a side note: my son has ADHD which makes emotional regulation really hard for him; so, I know regulating one’s emotions is not easy for those who are not neurotypical. Therefore, I try my best to help model that for him, but he’s a teenage boy who doesn’t know how to label what he is feeling). 

So, if like me, you are having conflicting feelings on this day of honoring our fathers, maybe shift your focus. We have a good Father in heaven who helps us in our time of need. He is our provider, healer, creator, father, and friend. Let Him also be your peace when the grief hits like a wave and you feel like you can’t breathe. 

Father, 

Help me remember to turn to You in my distress and grief. Hear me when I call out to You in the darkness and guide me with Your everlasting light. Comfort those who are hurting because of an earthly father and heal them of their past wounds. 

AMEN