December 16, 2019
I love a good Hallmark Christmas movie as much as the next middle-aged woman. I love their simplicity, predictability, and innocence. It’s something mindless I can watch while I wrap Christmas presents or get warm on the couch. I have been watching several this holiday season and this is what I have learned from watching them:
If you stand under the mistletoe, you will kiss a gorgeous man who will fall in love with you.
If you bump into a man outside of a coffee shop in an embarrassing mishap, you will run into him later in a most unexpected way and then eventually the two of you will fall in love.
If you sneak into a princes’ castle and pretend to be either a nanny or a tutor to his precocious younger sister, he will find you irresistible and fall in love with you making you a princess.
If you spend hours finding a tree with a man and then decorate the tree with him and possibly his child, you will fall in love.
If you can somehow concoct a crazy plan to convince a man to spend the holidays with your family, you will both fall in love.
If you place a child up for adoption at a young age, that child will find you later in life and you will adore him and fall in love with his widowed father.
If your plans get delayed because of bad weather and you end up in a town or an inn that is heavy on the Christmas spirit, you will meet a man and fall in love.
If you are forced to work together on a project with a man who is your competitor at work, you will realize how much stronger the two of you are together and you will fall in love.
Obviously, these are completely unrealistic scenarios, but some women have a distorted fantasy that this is how true love works. Many of us get wrapped up in the idea of love and a big, beautiful wedding, but forget that real love is an action and not a feeling. Your synapses may fire and you may feel euphoria when you first meet a handsome and polite man who gives you attention, but that is not what makes a marriage work. The initial feelings of attraction soon fade and the doldrums of day-to-day life take hold. The Christmas “magic” cannot last all year unless you work at it every day.
I recently read a post a friend shared about how porn can ruin a relationship and create unrealistic expectations of what a sexual relationship is. I think Hallmark movies and other romantic shows and novels are a sort of emotional porn. Generally, women crave attention and someone who is emotionally equal. Just as porn creates a false image of women and sexuality, romance movies create a false image of being completely in sync with a man in every way. No need to communicate our needs, because the perfect man will know exactly what we need.
Some may begin to think that if they just continue going to the same coffee shop, eventually they will meet their “Mr. Right” as they fumble out the door. Is there really only one person who is our perfect fit? I think it is dangerous to think that the perfect men portrayed in these movies actually exist in real life. I think these are the men we fantasize about.
The leading men in Hallmark movies may be reluctant at first to start a relationship, but once smitten, they become attentive and appreciative of every gesture the leading woman does. They also seem to have endless stores of money and time. These people may have jobs, but they always seem to have time to spend two weeks celebrating Christmas activity upon Christmas activity. The movie always ends with the kiss and profession of love. But what comes next? Merging two lives together doesn’t happen instantly. Once two people decide they are a good fit for each other, they still have to figure out how to make life happen together. Combining the emotional and physical baggage of two people is not easy.
God created men and women to complement each other in marriage. When two things complement each other, it means they fit together, not that they are the same. The dictionary defines it as “a thing that completes or brings to perfection.” Ephesians 5:22-33 gives us a clear directive for how a marriage should work. It may sound old fashioned, but it works. The man is the head and the protector. He shows leadership through servanthood just as Christ did. He is to sanctify his wife, love her, nourish her, and cherish her. A woman is to honor and respect her husband. Together they make a team and must be able to trust each other completely. I don’t know how many times I have sat with a group of married women who complain about everything their husband does. How is that honoring and respectful? The other important directive in these verses is for the man to leave his father and mother and join together with his wife to become one flesh. This is important so that the couple can move forward to create their own family without intrusion.
When Christ entered into a relationship with his people (the church) they became one body and it was for eternity. He didn’t say I would be with you until we get sick of each other, or I’ll be with you until financial troubles befall you. He promised to be with His people through every trial and success. Our marriage is supposed to model this example.
I married at the age of 25 thinking it would be blissful and adventurous. The first two years we fought a lot because neither of us knew how to properly let our needs be known and we each felt unfavored. We finally started to understand how to let hurt feelings go and communicate our needs without making assumptions that the other person simply knew what was needed. We let go of the expectation that the other person had to react the way we thought he or she should react. Life is not a play you script out in your head with all the actors saying and doing what you expect them to when you expect them to do it.
We were finally getting our groove with work, kids, and finances when he was diagnosed with ALS. We knew from the beginning that the disease was 100% fatal. I knew I would be able to handle him dying because he was saved and I knew his eternity was secured. I didn’t know how I would handle being his caregiver. It was never easy. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to be completely responsible for another person’s well-being. I don’t talk much about all that I had to do for him because I want to honor him and let him maintain his dignity. Despite the demands his illness placed on me, I still found reward in the work. When he died, I knew I had done everything I could to honor him and to show our children the example of a good marriage.
Fantasies don’t serve us well whether they are emotional or sexual in nature. They set up unrealistic expectations for our spouse. So, while Hallmark Christmas movies are cute, they may be a stumbling block for those who still think their prince charming will show up one day on a white horse. So, let’s try to keep our thoughts fixed on things above and not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). However, if a cute guy spills his coffee on you, maybe ask for his number. You never know.
The Sunday Girl 