Face Your Fears

May 20, 2019

Friday morning was an emotional one for us. Hannah had a field trip to Sunsplash in Mesa. It was a field trip she had earned for her good grades and behavior. She had to be at the school by six. We left our house at 5:45 to get her on the bus in time. I pulled into the school parking lot and waited for her to get out of the car, but she wouldn’t get out. She was too scared to go. I was afraid this would happen. 

About a year ago, Hannah developed an anxiety about car trips. She had three separate experiences in a two-month time period when she got carsick. Since then it has been difficult to get her to go anywhere too far away. I have been trying to figure out if there is more to it than a queasy stomach. I mean any young girl who lost her dad and her house in a ten-month time period is bound to have some issues.

Whatever the issue was, she was not getting out of the car on this particular morning. I eventually pulled around the buses into a parking space and stepped out of the car with her. I hoped seeing her friends and talking to some of her teachers would get her excited enough to get on the bus. Her band teacher and her history teacher both tried to reassure her. But that didn’t work. Her friend, Jaycee, pulled up in her dad’s truck. I thought maybe she would see Jaycee jump on the bus and decide to do the same, but no luck. One of the eighth grade teachers, Mr. Black, tried to joke around with her and even told her she could ride in the smaller shuttle bus with the eighth graders, but even his bad dad jokes couldn’t sway her. Once my daughter has made up her mind about something, there is not much that can bend her will.

I spent half-an-hour trying to convince her to no avail. We finally got back in our car and headed to the house. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, she started to cry and asked me to go back, but the bus was already leaving. She cried the whole way home and told me she was mad at herself and she knew she would regret not going. She told me I should have forced her to get on the bus. I tried my hardest to keep my emotions in check while she worked through hers. I used my best mom voice to tell her that this wouldn’t be a regret, but hopefully it would be a lesson. 

When we got to the house and went inside, she was still very upset and I still needed to get ready for work. I put my own needs aside and just hugged her and reassured her that I was not upset. This is not the first time I have had to deal with her reluctance to go to planned events. I spent many afternoons when she was younger sitting in the lobby of her dance and gymnastics classes trying everything to convince her to go inside. I think we have both grown since those early days. I used to get frustrated and upset; now I try my hardest to be sympathetic and be the mom she needs me to be. I want her to try new things and get out of her comfort zone, but I also know that she overthinks things and needs tons of reassurance. 

She finally went to her room to rest a little before I had to take her back to school, but then Jonah came out of his room. Jonah is never up that early, but apparently the dogs woke him up while Hannah and I were gone. Jonah was expecting Hannah to be gone for her trip, so I warned him that she was still home and he needed to be nice to her because she was upset that she chose not to go on the field trip. We went about our routine eating breakfast and getting ready for school. 

We were actually early getting out the door that morning considering I spent half-an-hour driving to and from the school already once, but I guess that’s because we didn’t have to wait for Jonah to get up and dressed. I dropped Hannah off at her school and then continued our drive across town to get Jonah to his school. I told Jonah how proud I was of the way he supported his sister. He had given her a big hug and told her he was sorry she didn’t go on her trip. He told me he also sent her a long text to encourage her. He forwarded the text to me and I read it when I got to my desk at school. I cried when I read the kind words he had written her. He told her she should have fun and live life and help people to the best of her ability. He reminded her that thinking something bad will happen doesn’t mean that it will happen. He told her God is watching over her and that when she hurts, we all hurt. It took everything in me to not break down right then and there.

It is hard as a parent to know if what you are doing is having a positive impact on your children. To read these words coming from my 14-year-old son made me realize that I must be doing something right. I learned a lot from my kids that day.

What’s the saying? “We may not having everything together, but together we have everything.” Our family has lost so much recently, but we still have so much for which to be thankful. 

I think we are all like Hannah sometimes. We dig in our heels when God tells us to do something. We know it is the Holy Spirit compelling us to do it, but we don’t feel equipped or we are scared for whatever reason. But God is a loving father who wraps His arms around us and reassures us we can do it. He is patient with us until we are ready. But we can’t step into our blessings until we step out in faith. Hannah missed an opportunity to spend time with friends at a waterpark. What opportunities are we missing because we are afraid to get on the bus?